These past few months have been quite hard for me. I am torn between the person I want to be, who I am, and who I can be. torn between;
wanting to have time alone to craft, create, think
yet wanting to have time with my little ones to play, explore, laugh, learn
wanting to spend more time making Red Seed Studio work
yet wanting to make for us; clothes for the children, pillows for our couch, (long overdue) gifts for family members
wanting to read a good book
yet wanting to go to sleep
wanting to send the children away to kindy or daycare
yet wanting to homeschool
wanting to sell our house, and start a new venture
yet not knowing what first steps to take
wanting to have a clean house
yet not wanting to fold the laundry
wanting to let my daughter self wean
yet wanting to have my body back to myself, and get a good nights sleep
wanting to do everything in my head
yet wanting to do nothing
wanting to spend time for yoga and meditation
yet not wanting to get up at 4am to have a moment on my own
wanting to keep on whinging
yet not wanting to bore you all...
(I really like this post - a day in the life).
Things have been happening. Some days are successful - we have fun, the house is tidy at the end of the day, we stop and sit in the backyard for a few moments or go for a walk. We get some proper work done, don't have the kids climbing and whinging on us all day. The sewing machine whirs and whizzes - or the screenprinting is crisp and perfect - satisfying.
Other days I stress and over load. I need to keep trying trying to stop that feeling of being drowned, or swallowed. I have to stop the need for that feeling and wanting of perfectionism. I have to learn to be at ease with myself.
I have been spending a lot of time lately feeling lost, floating about. No routine or rhythm. Up and down. Each day struggling to get to the end in one piece - emotionally, physically. I am feeling (emotionally) that I can't deal with the constant 'popularity' contest I put myself into.
Or am I just overthinking it all; again.