Sunday, 30 November 2008

torn between

These past few months have been quite hard for me. I am torn between the person I want to be, who I am, and who I can be. torn between;
wanting to have time alone to craft, create, think
yet wanting to have time with my little ones to play, explore, laugh, learn
wanting to spend more time making Red Seed Studio work
yet wanting to make for us; clothes for the children, pillows for our couch, (long overdue) gifts for family members
wanting to read a good book
yet wanting to go to sleep
wanting to send the children away to kindy or daycare
yet wanting to homeschool
wanting to sell our house, and start a new venture
yet not knowing what first steps to take
wanting to have a clean house
yet not wanting to fold the laundry
wanting to let my daughter self wean
yet wanting to have my body back to myself, and get a good nights sleep
wanting to do everything in my head
yet wanting to do nothing
wanting to spend time for yoga and meditation
yet not wanting to get up at 4am to have a moment on my own
wanting to keep on whinging
yet not wanting to bore you all...

(I really like this post - a day in the life).

Things have been happening. Some days are successful - we have fun, the house is tidy at the end of the day, we stop and sit in the backyard for a few moments or go for a walk. We get some proper work done, don't have the kids climbing and whinging on us all day. The sewing machine whirs and whizzes - or the screenprinting is crisp and perfect - satisfying.
Other days I stress and over load. I need to keep trying trying to stop that feeling of being drowned, or swallowed. I have to stop the need for that feeling and wanting of perfectionism. I have to learn to be at ease with myself.
I have been spending a lot of time lately feeling lost, floating about. No routine or rhythm. Up and down. Each day struggling to get to the end in one piece - emotionally, physically. I am feeling (emotionally) that I can't deal with the constant 'popularity' contest I put myself into.
Or am I just overthinking it all; again.


  1. this sounds familiar. :^)

    i read a thanksgiving post in which the writer turned everything into a blessing - e.g., i'm thankful for my messy house because it means i have a home; i'm thankful for my piles of laundry because it means we have warm clothes; etc.

    it sounds hokey now but it did make me think for a moment about how my very (over?)full life is really a good thing. :^) having so much to do that i can't get to it all? hey, i have a lot of interests! ;^)

  2. Anonymous12:51 am

    I've been there. Now my kids are in Kindy and I do my work and my art. You are only struggling with feelings of guilt. Balance is the key. Don' forget that a happy mom is a better one.
    They are going to have many teachers, friends, people who will guide them trough the years. There's only one mom and one dad for them and they will know it always. Show them that life is good and it's good to work, to be alone, to craf, to be completly happy. I hope this will help, cause I've been there.

  3. I seriously could have written the majority of that post word for word.

    I think as mothers, wives and women we want to do it all and we all come to the realisation that whilst we can try sometimes some things have to be left by the way side.

    I think intuitively we do what is important and the rest can either wait or doesn't really need doing.

    Take care

  4. Wow! I am blown away by your honesty and thoughts. I was fortunate enough to stumble upon the sewmamasew website this year and through them I have found a huge world out there. I came for the give-away, but never expected to be given the best gift ever. The gift of reassurance.
    It is reassuring to know that I am not the only one to have these thoughts. It makes me believe that I am doing everything OK. My thoughts of inadequacy(sp?) started with the birth of my first child. Now that I have 3 it has compounded with thoughts of doubt and worry. Did I mention guilt yet? The guilt of wanting to have my own time to sew, knit, create, read, take a shower (ya know?), is at times overwhelming! But as one of your other commenters said, "balance is the key", and I truly believe that I can find the balance for me and my family.
    Someone once told me that perfectionism is the sign of a boring existance (is there a spell check on here?). We don't really want to be perfect, otherwise we wouldn't create. We just want things to look the way we see it in our minds, and maybe at least fit our kids like it should!! My husband designs hydraulic systems where everything has to be "perfect" or else the system fails and people get hurt, so when he looks at a quilt I made and says, "why don't the squares line up? Aren't they supposed to?" UUGGHH!
    I, as another blogger called my type in her blog, am a "lurker". I love to lurk around peoples blogs and never comment. I chose to comment on yours because you so graciously chose to be honest instead of having a "perfect" facade of a family life that most people think they should project to others. We are one person, unlike anyone else, our art, creations, family, and life should reflect that. Not what others think it should.
    Thanks for giving me some great "alone" time, sorry if I took up so much space.

  5. I've felt like that too. Looking at the comments above it looks like we're definitely not alone. Sometimes taking a walk helps, sometimes it's looking at things from some distance. Me, I find it helps to just talk to friends, who will listen patiently and sometimes add, "Me too".


Thank you for your words and thoughts. I do so appreciate each and every visitor to my blog. While I try hard to reply to your comment, it often doesn't quite happen..... know that I'm sending you a thoughtful thanks xxx

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