night time

Continuing on with the 'fuzzily' theme, here are a few not very focused photos. But I like them anyway. Life doesn't always have to be sharp and clear and crisp to make sense, or be correct. Does it?

Tonight is the second in a row that Mishi has gone to bed with not 'mummy milk'. This is a big breakthrough for such a milky-girl. I have been trying to slowly ease her over the past couple of weeks, with mixed results. But progressive results, at least.

Last night, on a whim, I suggested that maybe Mishi might like to have a special bottle of milk for bed. Sam went and made her a bottle, and she happily followed him into the kitchen. She carried her bottle around, almost proudly. And suckled it easily, contentedly in bed while I sang songs to the kids, and cuddled Mishi to sleep.

It did take a little while, but not so long as it could have. She fussed a bit, mainly about being comfortable how she was lying rather than wanting my milk. Eventually she slept. Waking 45 minutes later, I settled her with more cuddles.

So, night one - no milk! (She did have milk in the morning, at about 4.30am. But I'm okay with that. We're already happily lying beside each other, and it keeps her sleeping a bit longer in the morning. After all, I don't think that I'm entirely ready to be weaned from her!).

So, for bed tonight Sam made her bottle, which she took off to bed (after reading my favourite - "Emily's Balloon"). Much more fussing than last night, and hitting me in the face. And trying to pull up my shirt. "mik. mik. mik". But I cuddled her, and let her hit me. Whenever I tried to sing she hit in the mouth, informing me no singing. Yet finally she settled, mainly by herself - not letting me touch her. And little whimpers, then soft breathing. Then sleep.

So far she hasn't woken up since finally falling asleep at 7.45pm. That's almost two hours. I'm sure writing this will be a jinx - that's okay.

I think that maybe Mishi is ready for this weaning thing. Maybe she'll be okay. And I can go out at night time for a cup of tea with my friend. And not be called home for a screeching baby. Maybe I can have my body back to myself - once the milk eases and dries up (sure there will be a little while of soreness first!).

Now, am I ready for the weaning? I can't ask my mum about when we were weaned, or how. My dad doesn't remember. I always thought that I would feed my children until they simply stopped. But life isn't happening that way, and I have to learn to change my expectations of my mothering. And still be happy with that. I have to believe when I tell myself that I have given Mishi so much feeding her this long, and that it's only taking from both her and me if I continue feeding more when I'm so not wanting to.

With Ari I stopped him because I was five months pregnant with Mishi. Ari was 23 months old. He had started biting me. He was down to only 2-3 feeds a day anyway. I remember it as being quite easy. One day when he bit me I simply said no, and that was it. He asked a couple of times over the next few days, yet didn't push or whinge or cry. So. Let's hope both Mishi and I can wean that easily, happily and healthily.

My thoughts of the word weaning are not negative. Instead of taking something away from my daughter, I feel that I am opening her up to more. And myself in the process. Dr Sears says that the Hebrew word for weaning is 'gamal' which means to ripen. I really like that thought and perspective on a natural and necessary aspect of mothering and breastfeeding. What are your thoughts, ideas, experience? Please, I love having advice from other women.