torn between

These past few months have been quite hard for me. I am torn between the person I want to be, who I am, and who I can be. torn between;
wanting to have time alone to craft, create, think
yet wanting to have time with my little ones to play, explore, laugh, learn
wanting to spend more time making Red Seed Studio work
yet wanting to make for us; clothes for the children, pillows for our couch, (long overdue) gifts for family members
wanting to read a good book
yet wanting to go to sleep
wanting to send the children away to kindy or daycare
yet wanting to homeschool
wanting to sell our house, and start a new venture
yet not knowing what first steps to take
wanting to have a clean house
yet not wanting to fold the laundry
wanting to let my daughter self wean
yet wanting to have my body back to myself, and get a good nights sleep
wanting to do everything in my head
yet wanting to do nothing
wanting to spend time for yoga and meditation
yet not wanting to get up at 4am to have a moment on my own
wanting to keep on whinging
yet not wanting to bore you all...

(I really like this post - a day in the life).

Things have been happening. Some days are successful - we have fun, the house is tidy at the end of the day, we stop and sit in the backyard for a few moments or go for a walk. We get some proper work done, don't have the kids climbing and whinging on us all day. The sewing machine whirs and whizzes - or the screenprinting is crisp and perfect - satisfying.
Other days I stress and over load. I need to keep trying trying to stop that feeling of being drowned, or swallowed. I have to stop the need for that feeling and wanting of perfectionism. I have to learn to be at ease with myself.
I have been spending a lot of time lately feeling lost, floating about. No routine or rhythm. Up and down. Each day struggling to get to the end in one piece - emotionally, physically. I am feeling (emotionally) that I can't deal with the constant 'popularity' contest I put myself into.
Or am I just overthinking it all; again.

Grosgrain :: Generosity

Downtown Holiday Jacket and Pant GIVEAWAY!!!!

Please visit this lovely blog. Kathleen is a very generous woman, who makes delicious clothes and have fun, creative, fantastic styling. Very magazine styling. She was recently featured in the Winter Small Magazine.

Check out her blog for regular giveaways.

memory silk

Varanassi Silk :: memories of my childhood :: of my parents' house :: of good things and pretty things, and displays and styling, and collections.
I brought these pieces of silk home with me, from my last visit to my Dad's house. They are old, and showing their age in many places. The fabric is tearing and slipping into threads; it pulls in my hands and becomes strips of colour and metal.My Dad bought them on a trip to India many many years ago. I cannot even remember which visit, which year. All I know if that these cloths have been a part of the everyday views of the house I grew up in. Being used as a table throw to cover hand made speaker boxes, or to cover the lovely wooden chests used to store linens and towels and medicines. A cloth itself topped with beads and boxes for trinkets and treasures, wooden or ceramic bowls filled with pieces of ...... life / clutter / things. (I'm sure somewhere I have many photos of these little still lives).
My Dad us clearing out his house, clearing up... (I cannot quite believe or even admit that five and a half years after my Mother's death, we still have not sorted through her clothing or pieces of jewelery or.... I know the many reasons why it has never happened. Regardless, my Dad is quite ready to have the wasp eaten, mouse nested fabric gone).

Anyway, I have spent the evening sewing this silk into some of my fabric stitched greeting cards. In preparation for our Christmas market at GOMA. What a glorious way to re-use this magical memory-laden fabric. Each one has metal woven through it, gold or silver threads. The greens and pinks and blues aren't nearly as vivid as they were, but they have a richness and depth and tonal qualities as a result of the years of speckled sunlight, or full strength in some spots. Each cut strip I pick up to sew is different; the green is more faded here, or brighter on this piece, the front is more interesting, or the back shows more detail.
Sitting there, at my sewing machine, with the pieces cut ready for sewing on my cards, I feel like I'm selecting a jewel or treasure, turning it over in the light to see which side fits best on the card with the other pieces. Some, still, are tearing under my needle - giving way.
I will take photos of the finished cards tomorrow - much too dark tonight to capture them truly. Here, though, are the pieces sitting in a basket waiting to be chosen and stitched into place. To be remembered by someone else, in a new way. Starting new memories from old thread. I like that.

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In other 'news', I have chosen Melissa as my de-lurking post winner. Melissa please email me your address :: ellieabeck (AT) hotmail (DOT) com
I will have a gift in the post for you later this week.
(I'm feeling a little 'friend quiet' lately, as someone who I thought was a good and strong friend has inexplicably withdrawn from our friendship).

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Good night friends. xx

pwiwhwo........

..........translates as pillow.

I started these about a week ago, cut them out and pinned them; then was distracted by needing to make dinner and play with the kids, and that general sort of life thing.So, about a week later I finally managed to finish them - a few moments of quiet. I should have been doing other sewing, but really wanted to get these simple projects off my desk, and also wanted to see the smiles on their faces when I showed them to the children.
I let them each choose which fabric they wanted - editing a few choices, and not offering some fabrics from my stash! For the whole week Mishi kept coming and playing with the pinkish Kaffee Fassett print; she loves it so much. She has a dress made out of it too. And points to it, saying 'pink, green, blue, red...'The sweet bunnies (which Ari choose) are from some lovely friends who stayed with us a while ago, when they first moved back to Oz from Japan. We miss you Dan and Aya - can't wait to see you again, soon. The plain blue is a really lovely cotton (?) I bought home from Thailand, about a million years ago. It's got a great dense feel to it, thick and loosely woven. I've actually been doing some embroidery on it this past week, some little totes for the market stall.And the fabric Ashey choose is a circus retro sort of style; bright and fun - the only animal circus I'll look at! It came from Spotlight, only a few weeks ago (so if you like it, you'd better be quick, as it was on sale).

All kids love their pillows. Mishi carries her around, plopping down on the kitchen floor, or arranging Jemima Annabella for a little sleep. She snuggles her pwiwhwo, and tells me she's happy. Like it!
Anything to make your kid smile hey.

mark this in your diary :: GOMA Christmas Design Market ::

Please come and visit us at this market. If it's anything like last year's GOMA Christmas designer market, it's sure to be a beautiful event. Support locally designed and crafted this Christmas. Treat your family, friends, and yourself.

We would love to see you there.
(Click on image to see it big).

weekend

Not many words forming at the moment, for me - so just a selection of our weekend down at my Dad's house. Please look here for the whole flickr set. We had a lovely time - walking, and watching the rain, and being looked after by my Dad.
Ari got to sleep in granddad's bed, which was quite exciting for him. And wonderful for me to hear my son and my dad chatting in the morning time; well, mainly Ari chatting, and my Dad trying to get a few extra moments of sleep!
Beautiful time, too, with my brother and nephew.

I hope you enjoy the beautiful light in the photos. I really love them. This one and this one really speak to me. So many moments in my Dad's house seem to be held in time. A memory for me, when I visit. I know this isn't quite true - as my Dad is there everyday. But I suppose my Dad lives in a way that lets things be, just be, around him. And he doesn't feel the need to interfere with everything. Not to say that things aren't up-kept and appreciated, and important to him.
(Hmmmm. what am I saying now....? I think I know but...). Just enjoy the photos, please.