weekly update :: kids

Lots of at-home busyness this past week. Lots of kids play and creativeness - drawing, painting, building lego factories and rockets. Enjoying lots of new books from the library - lots of laughs with "Walter the Farting Dog", and discovering new-to-us Pamela Allen stories. Lots of dressing up, too, this week. Some lengths of fabric that I wasn't going to use for sewing have been turned into anything from dressing as the moon, clouds, rain, rivers, wombats, turtles, kimonos :: endless ideas and play.

And water play - to try to ease these hot Summer days we've been having. Tubs of water, with sponges and cups and heaps of smiles as things are tipped and spilt and coloured icecubes melt down into puddles.

Wearing her new birthday clothes. A lovely cotton knit dress from my sister + dad (from Seed). And these beautiful pants that Momo made for her - they fit perfectly, and are such a great cut. Really love new outfits for my girl! (Sorry about the not-too-focused photo).

And this week, also, a few quiet moments for some mama time!

breakfast conversation :: fruit mythology

In our house, we have quite a few breakfasts (and morning tea, a couple of lunches, and at least three afternoon snacks, before pre-dinner nibbles, and then finally dinner). Yesterday, Ari and I had breakfast number 2, after Sam had gone to work, and Mishi was having her morning (half an hour!) nap.

It's so lovely to sit down with a (not quite) three and a half year old. He is a wonderful conversationalist, funny, generous. We love those simple moments of doing everyday things, and putting a little specialness or ceremony into it. I had a cup of tea, Ari had warm honey milk. He chose the cups for us to use, setting them out on his little table.

When I frothed his milk (with a great little whizzer we got for $3.49 from the supermarket), he told me I was like a cap-a-machino person. ie: a waitress. He likes playing that game - I set the table with a pretty cloth, and serve them like in a cafe.

I also had to show you these beautiful images of a pomegrante we had this week. Ari doesn't like them (but, truthfully, there is a lot that he doesn't like), but Mishi really loved it. Picking up the teeny little juicy jewels with such delicate fingers. I love pomegrantes for so much more than their flavour. They are like treasure, mystical, luscious.

Remember the story of Persephone who only ate three seeds, while in the Underworld, with Hades, and was therefore made to stay for three months of every year down in the depths of the Earth. While her mother, Demeter, mourned her loss creating Winter. Then rejoiced and danced throughout Spring and Summer, when she returned.

I had to leave you with this tender, precious, heart-melting photo of my two special little creatures. Mishi leant into this hug so enthusiastically, and they both stayed there for more than a few moments. True love between brother and sister. Also, she has started saying a word that sounds a little like brother ("bo bu" or something like that). Or, are we just romantacising it?!

birthday photos

I just wanted to add a few photos of Mishi's birthday, as I only loaded them onto my computer. We had a lovely afternoon party for her birthday, at her Grandparents' house. I was too busy, being busy, to take photos. And a simple breakfast on her actual birthday, at home :: Sam was late for work + Ashy was late for school.

But, I have some sweet ones from her birthday breakfast, at home. Ashy + Ari sang her silly songs - thankfully we got it on video. We stuck some candles into playdough, and put it out of her reach - a one year old isn't so good at knowing not what to touch! Pancake/pikelets have been a big hit in our house with all kids (and adults), since our new kitchen makes it much easier and more fun to whizz them up. Quick, easy, tasty breakfast. We love them with frozen blueberries or raspberries, yoghurt and syrup or honey. (Looking at her berry stained singlet, I'm glad I didn't dress her up for birthday breakfast!).

birthday letter :: Mishi :: ONE

Well, a little overdue, I'm sorry, my Darling Girl. One day when you're reading this you may understand. I hope so - I hope also that I am there to share the days with you when you are a Mama yourself.

My daughter. You are now ONE. I cannot quite believe. I see you, experience you totally differently than with Ari as a baby.

You are such a beautiful little creature - also, so cheeky! You giggle with your brother - I know that you two will play together so well, so happily. You both accomodate each other so much more than I had thought. You look up to him, smiling and laughing with him.

Little kisses from you are so precious. You have been giving us kisses for a short while now. Making a smoothy noise, and scrunching up your lips. At bed time, you love giving us all kisses goodnight before I take you into bed for your milk. At first you would only kiss us, your immediate family :: Dada, Ari + Mama. Now you give kisses to select others at your discretion.

You are talking so much. Making noises into a telephone - or any object you hold up to your ear. Chatting away. You sit and read books, stories to yourself. Perched up on a cushion, or curled up in the corner of Ari's bed. At night-time when Daddy reads to Ari, you bring your own story over and want to sit and read it altogether.

You love dancing and singing. When we sing songs, or have music to listen to, you stand - holding onto someone - and bounce your legs up and down, and nod your head. You have a big smile on your face.

So often you have a smile or laugh. You have a crazy grin you give - of pleasure, satisfaction, intent dedication to whatever you are trying to do - with your teeth showing through a scrunched up grin.

You are understanding so much, and watching, and copying so much. If Ari does a tumble on the carpet then you want to do it too. You do a lot of downdog, and yoga poses - I really love seeing you do this, makes me think over my own Mum all over again.

A lot of things about you make me think of Mum. The way you play with your hair, twirling it in your fingers. My Mum used to do that too. And I think you will look a lot like her when you are bigger.

So many things about you are so different to Ari. You are a very different baby. Yet, so many things that you do remind me of him as a baby. And remind me that it's all going so quickly. When you have your lips clenched around my breast for your milk, and you start to giggle at something - either someone sitting beside us, or you trying to tickle me face while you feed. Ari used to do this - with his lips still keeping grip onto me.

Today, while we were playing peek-a-boo (when we were mistakenly trying to have your nap), you said "there" when you peeked out of the blankets. "there" as in 'there you are'!

And while I was cooking dinner, you indicated that you wanted to help me stir the saucepan. Well, of course I let you (after all, that's how Ari first learnt to cook). You loved it, wouldn't let me put you down, you wanted to keep holding that wooden spoon and stir and stir and stir the dahl until it was ready. You had such a look in intense pride on your face. When Daddy got home, you wanted him to watch you cooking, to see what you were doing. You love doing big person things, not baby things. You don't eat baby food (you never did), you like sitting in a big chair, not a high-chair.

Some days it feels as if everything is moving so slowly and we never see any change, yet other times I can only watch things speed by me. Thank you for the moments, fast or slow, for letting me spend time with a beautiful, laughing, smiling, happy, inquisitive, intelligent little creature. Love you Baby.

breakfast at warhol's

This is (l - r) :: me, my Dad + my sister, Sylvia. In the photobooth at the Andy Warhol exhibition at GOMA. We went today. I like going to exhibitions with my Dad - he is a very intelligent person, he knows so much about so many things. Wish I knew a little bit about a few things! He tells me things about the artist or muscian or event or process or artwork.

A lot of who I am comes so strongly from my parents - who they are, who they helped me to be, the way they helped me be me, yet educated me to look outside myself as well. Dad is my hero!

These breakfast images I took a few days ago - one morning when Mishi was having a very early nap, and I had quiet breakfast, thinking and photographing time. By quiet I mean, just Ari was there talking to me, wanting to share my toast, or me to make him something else.

I would really like to have more time for styling + photographing my mundane moments :: eating, cooking, folding clothes, reading. But these moments seem to just happen, without being able to stop and think too much about it. I hope by the time my children are big enough for me to do things like that, that I am still inspired in the mundane. I think I will be :: probably I'll enjoy the time and space for these activities so much, that I'll want to record them.

These particular images are very inspired by simply breakfast who sure has a varied and interesting, delicious looking diet. A lot of inspiration in Amanda's 30 days in photos. And the noticing project is beautiful everyday moments - I love the name. And, of course, six one way continues to make me smile at the snippets of life with kids.

weather the weather be fine or weather the weather be not

I just wanted to quickly show you the weather we have been having lately. Endless rain, and in some parts of our country - lots of flooding. Our city dams, which have been at scary low levels (down to almost 15% last year), are finally getting a small bit of relief. Thankfully the city council is not lifting the water restrictions - just easing them. Though, honestly, I do not know how people can use as much water as they do. (I say this, smugly, knowing that we fall into the smallest water usage in our area, even with washing cloth nappies!).

After torrential downpours yesterday, where Sam had to ride home on his bicycle, it was warm (think muggy) and sunny today. Yesterday and today we were blessed with glorious afternoon skies.

And, while I'm talking about skies - the other morning, at about 5.30am, the sky was the most magical honey colour. Pouring in our windows. Both kids were drawn to peering out the windows at our bed, as soon they woke up. Stretching out to soak up the colour and magic. The whole sky was overcast / cloudy, the sun was reflecting across it all. Within only minutes it was back to grey clouds. But lying in bed for the few moments of quiet before getting up to go to yoga, I thought and thought about the Joni Mitchell song where "the sun poured in like butterscotch, and stuck to all my senses".

swaps :: new projects

Well, I finally managed to get my swap posted to Sarah for the Valentines Swap. It seemed to take me so long to get it completed and then extra days to get to the post office than necessary - but finally it's headed off to her home.

I really enjoyed this swap, for so many reasons. This was my second swap, and I'm loving the friendship and community that has been developing for me lately, mainly through blog-land. While making my Valentines swap I was thinking of Sarah and her family - of how I have so enjoyed reading her blog over the last .... has it been a year, I'm not sure? Not just the reading of her blog - but the feeling like I was being welcomed in. And the inspiration of her projects, her days, her children, her words and photographs (and the photographs of her son, as well!).

I also really enjoyed this swap because it gave me a heap of ideas and motivation to make sure I send some Valentines to my loved ones - friends and family. I have projects started that I will be attempting to finish over the next few nights (though I have busy days ahead).

I also just jumped into some of my projects, and didn't over-think them. I feel that I may make this my year of just doing, and experimenting, and trying things. To not worry about the mistakes or the end result so much as the fun of the making. While I do want to try (when I have a few spare moments) to start some form of business from my sewing / craft, I want it to be something I enjoy doing for me - not for the end salable product. I think that so many things happen from just doing, and learning how to use basic plans, but being flexible about it.

For now, I'll only show snippets of what I sent - I do want it to be a surprise! But hopefully next week I will have more finished projects to show you.

Next weekend I am going to a fabric manipulation workshop. I am so looking forward to this - to learning heaps of new techniques, to hopefully learning how to put a zip in (once and for all!!), and having a whole day of sewing sewing sewing with fabric scraps. And, also, to spending the whole day with my sister (who is also doing the workshop). We both have young children, and while we visit each other often, we rarely have long moments of time for just being, or chatting, or creating together and for ourselves.

On other topics :: Today we went to look at a kindy for the possibilty of Ari (and me) moving into that next phase. We went along with Momo and Oliver - both the boys are very close in age, and I feel that Momo and I have similar wants for our child care aspirations. It was a lovely centre, with a great outside and inside play space - lots of nurturing wooden blocks, an amazing amount of books, cubby houses, chooks and guinea pigs, an excellent craft corner....... Our boys loved it - playing and looking and touching :: while we were within their sight. We had to stand and watch them, or sit beside them.

For quite a while I have been asking Ari if he wants to go to kindy (he was in daycare before Mishi was born, while I worked part-time, but he's not anymore). He keeps telling me that he wants to be with me and Mishi. And that he'll go to kindy and then school "when I'm bigger". If I ask him how much bigger, he points to some random height above his head. Today was no different, with the added comment (to his uncle) that we had just been looking at Oliver's kindy. I feel that that really said it all - his feeling about going at this point. While I know that there would be so much for him there, I am not going to push him into anything he doesn't feel happy about. At daycare, in the past, the carers have told me that he stops the separation crying after a few minutes - sure, I belive that - but I also know that he did cry when we left him, and maybe he only stopped because he knew there was nothing he could do about it.

So much guilt, so many steps and milestones and things to know and learn along this parenting road. Through it all, I can trust only my own base instinct and the words, feelings, (imploring) eyes of my children. They know their role of being Child so much better / stronger than I know mine of being Mother.

my year of exhaustion

Having two children is so exhilarating :: exhausting, entertaining :: exhausting, enlivening :: exhausting, everlasting :: exhausting, educational :: exhausting, explorative :: exhausting, emotional :: exhausting. I have laughed more, cried more (with happiness), giggled more, told more stories, sung more songs, read more stories, made more meals, washed more clothes, cleaned up more (or cleaned up less - depending on what day you visit our house!). I have heard the best singing, the best concerts, watched the best dancing and twirling and hopping and yoga poses, seen the best paintings and drawings, tasted the best cooking, kissed the sweetest lips, hugged the softest bodies, heard the best secrets, had the best conversations*. Had the most intense ups and downs. And, the least sleep.

Mishi will be one in a week.

not a lot of time for these loves over this past year or so!

This has been my year of exhaustion. But, it has also been my year of learning and opening and growing and letting go and enjoying so much more - enjoying myself more, as well as those around me. Some days I drag myself around, but I know that all Mums and Dads just learn to live through the tiredness, and get used to it, to opperate on untapped reserves, each time thinking we have reached the bottom of these reserves yet finding more. I know that the having of the children themselves fill up these reserves, overflow every emotion, so exhaustion no longer feels so tired, it feels uplifting and generous and true true depth of love.

Regardless of all the wonderful topping-ups I receive from my babies, I am hoping that this has been my hardest year, my most exhausting year. I am saying goodbye to exhaustion. I am hoping that it does get :: will get easier and easier. (If any of you have contrary evidence, please don't pop my bubble just yet - though some advice on how to continue surviving on minimal sleep would be welcomed).

I would like to say a big thank you to all the beautiful comments I received for my last post. Your words were uplifting and heart-felt. The past few weeks for me have been a bit emotional and intense in a lot of ways - and I think I was feeling a bit lost and lonely. I do know that I have true friends :: lots of people I have known for so long and feel so close to, as well as lots of people who are new friends, who I am getting to know more. And, yes - that includes you Beautiful Blog Women. So, thank you for being my world-wide friends - to learn, share, laugh, help, love.

After I wrote that entry, about being 'friendless', I had a wonderful conversation with Ari. Make believe play that we both had children (me two boys, him two girls) and that we were visiting each other's houses, and picking our kids up from school, and making afternoon tea for each. Sometimes, so silly, I forget that I have the best of friends right here with me every day. And this week, I have visited two friends (play for the kids, talk for me), and I have another two such visits planned for the week. Hmmmm - I think in my life I get to a point of crying out about something, and then somehow it completes or materialises something.**

And - I smile with happiness when I announce that I have just been awarded with my first blog award. Thank you, Amy. I thought that I had finished all the 'E' (to go with exhausting), but I have been given the Excellence Award. I'm not sure how to put the little logo thing here, so look here to see it. To pass this on :: I know so many excellent blogs. Excellent for their writing, their photographs, their crafts, their dreams and aspirations, their openness and honesty, their recipes, stories...... Let me stick with these few. Momo (kurashi), Sarah (still life in yarn), Sarah (cloth.paper.string), Beth (write, mama. write).

*Some wonderful conversations with some wonderful mums. As well as some astounding words and conversations and stories with Ari and Ash, and soon enough Mishi.

**The days before I met Sam (my partner of almost ten years), I had been crying to my Mum of how I never seem to meet anyone, or be able to form any sort of relationship. She told me the words of wisdom she was good at telling :: that I would meet someone when it was right, to stop 'looking' and it would happen. And, of course she was right. I met Sam, who had lived next door to me for more than six months! And we both fell for each other straight away, and I have loved him since.

my heart wanders :: wonders

The other afternoon we all went for a little walk together. The kids had had a late afternoon nap, and we needed to tire them out. Mainly we wanted to have an explore and wander as a family. It seems often we don't get the time, or make the time, to just do simple things all together. Last week we spontanously went out to Mt Cootha Botanical Gardens, and had such a lovely time just hanging out together.

While pushing the pram with a three year old who declared he didn't want to walk, I managed to capture a few photos. I noticed quite a few heart shapes in nature - I think I was really looking out for them, inspired by Pia's My Heart Wanders project.

We also went along a few streets that, while only around the block from our house (where I have lived for ten or so years!), that I have never explored before. It made me realise that while I keep pining for a new home and location, there is still so much to offer me here.

On other thought tangents :: I have been feeling quiet (deep within myself) this week. This is the year I turn 30 (23rd of May, for those of you slightly interested), and I have been thinking of the things I had anticipated having "achieved" before this milestone approached. Mainly, I actually really don't have exact goals for times, that sort of thing. I guess now that I get to this stage, things are roaming into my mind.

I guess a big thing for me is my lack of real true and deep friendships. I have always been so close to my family - being not just connected through being related, but also through actually enjoying each other's company. Yet, there are many times when I wish I had friends who wanted to be my friend as much as me. I have spent lots of times throughout my life having hopes about how a friendship will turn out. I know that I'm not the most social, getting out there person, I enjoy being in smaller groups. But, I still make efforts to get to know people and see them regularly. It seems that it takes so much effort to actually make friends :: sometimes I wonder if the effort on my side shows that the friendship isn't really reciprecated. Maybe I should remember the lessons I should have learnt during high-school!

Sometimes my heart just aches that I don't have a close circle of dear friends who want to be with me, who appreciate me for who I am, what I do, how I am.