happy birthday baby boy - 25 October

Well, my Darling, now you are three. You are 97cm tall. You weigh 14.6kgs. I love that this is a reference for something for you :: you use it when we play shops - icecreams cost 14 point six, and the books you set up and sell cost 14 point six. When you measure things with your tapemeasure they are generally 14.6, sometimes you just say things are centmeet.

Every single day I see you growing bigger, learning and discovering more. I can hardly keep up with you. I don't quite feel like I know enough to keep up with you. All day you ask me what things are, what words mean, why this, why that. Both Sam and I try the best we can to explain things to you, we tell you how things are, and don't make words up or use baby-talk. (You know all about Mummy's period :: and have told a few people too!).

Lately you have been singing and dancing a lot. You remember words of songs and stories really easily. Last week everywhere you went you sang "Wobble your Knees" and walked around shaking and knocking your knees. And you pick up and recite stories really well, already you know words from your new birthday books. Though you are still convinced that you can't read.

I'm sorry, Honey Bear, but we lost Bunny again a few weeks ago. This time, he has not come home. Yet, it seems to be a good time - if ever there really was. Bunny had become a wonderful friend for you, you called him such, so I wanted you to be able to have him always. You didn't need him, or rely on him for comfort so much anymore. You have taken the loss so well. Occasionally you have asked for Bunny, but have understood and almost accepted when we've told you that he's gone somewhere else. On the first day when I really explained his loss, you had a big cuddle and quiet-time. You also said that you didn't want Mishi, you wanted Bunny.

About Mishi :: you do love her. Last week you finally gave her a kiss goodnight, and when we were lying down for sleeping you were stroking her hair so softly. She looks to you, loving playing with you and following you - just the way you do with Ash (and the way Sylve did with me when we were kids!). I know right now it's hard for you, not wanting someone competing with the attention and time from your Mummy and Daddy. Soon, I know, Mishi will be a great friend for you.

I love spending time with you. Drawing, talking, walking, cooking, reading, playing cafes or shops, or building lego or mobilo, or painting. You are an excellent cook, measuring things out and cracking the eggs, turning the mixer on and off, pouring batter into muffin or cake tins. Last weekend you and Daddy made sushi for dinner, you stood up on your stool, helping, and eating seaweed.

We all still sleep in one big bed together. Mish's cot is joined to our bed on one side, and your little bed on the other side. I love having my whole family in one big bed. You wake up in the morning, happy for the day, you ask me "how was your sleeping Ellie?".

You are still my little baby. Sometimes I look at you, and remember you as a baby. My tiny little boy. Your face is growing leaner, and your body skinnier and taller. You have the same body shape as your Dad. I see a boy, a baby. My boy, my baby.

Giggle, laugh, learn, grow, experience, feel, see, hear, show, listen, tell, help, know. You show me how to do all this and so much more every day. Thank you, Honey Bear. xxx

ode to a friend

THIS* just made me (almost) cry. My heart pumped up, my eyes swelled. My guilt was evident all over again. I suppose to most people these images would be beautiful, yes emotive, evocative, a wonderful memory or story of childhood. To me :: they remind me that I am the Mother who lost her son's special friend.

Well, I don't know if I lost it, or if Ari did. But really, I am the one who takes the blame and responsibility for Bunny not coming home a few weeks ago. I still keep hoping I'll find him squashed under the car seat. Yet I know this can't be. We've looked and looked and looked.

And the gallery never rang to say they had found the grubby blanket bunny head. And we went back and looked around the streets. Strange. Gone.

Ari has been so very good and understanding. I suppose if this had to happen (again), then now really was the best time. Having his birthday excitement. Moving into the next phase of being a bigger boy. He didn't need Bunny for that 'security' so much anyway. Yet, Bunny had become an excellent friend - that's what Ari called him. Really, he could have transitioned away from the needing of Bunny yet still kept him as that precious little friend. And - memory for this Mama of that precious moment of childhood.

These photos were taken only a few days before Bunny went missing. On their last outing together.Ari, darling. You love(d) Bunny - he was real, important, special. When we talked about him not being here anymore you were brave but sad. You kept saying that you didn't want Mishi, you wanted Bunny. You have asked us a few times over the last weeks where Bunny is :: each time we tell you the truth. You understand and listen, yet you still say 'I want Bunny, get me Bunny'. I love Bunny too, and miss him. I miss who he turned into - for you, what he represented, his lovely little head and paws, his grubby grubby grubby totally loved self. The fact that he went so many places through your childhood with you, yet was tossed easily across the room and left in a corner until bedtime when we had to turn the house upside down before you could go to bed.
Bunny :: moved in with the fairies. We miss you.

*Link doesn't take you to exact image. Thank you Leigh-Ann for your tutorial, but somehow it's not letting me upload the image.... So :: go to "The Doudou Projects", image 13 esp but all of them really.

sew slow

A few weeks ago I happened upon a flyer while at the GOMA. Someone was opening a new design shop over at Paddington. Looking for people with things to sell - designish like. Well, I emailed for more info, expecting to be told that they were full and the waiting list was so long. Yet, yet... she had space, I emailed photos, and she selected me! Okay, not me, but some of my bags that I've been sewing lately. The photos I sent were an assortment of ones I'd made for family and friends, for presents. What this meant was that I had to produce some to give her. The acceptance email she sent me said that she wanted the stuff now! To cut this story short, I spent most of last weekend sewing and sewing.I am quite a slow sewer, and was even slower doing these as I wanted to make sure they were all as neat, tidy, straight, pretty as possible. I also had to cut and iron and sew in sort of confined and not really well organised space. Wonderfully, Sam took both the kids for walks and outings. And Sylve took Ari away for a two night sleepover. He's stayed at Sylve's house before for one night maximum, but she only lives five minutes away from us. This time they were down at Anouk's house and then my Dad's house - two hours away from here, for two nights! I think we both coped really well for our first real sleep-away holiday. Hmmm, Mish also had her first real away time that weekend too.So, she liked the bags that I made and thinks they'll sell. I ended up with nine, yes only nine - not 75 (okay, she had helpers and mine are a bit more intricate and fully lined and inner-fleeced. I did actually make 11 over the weekend :: one for Sidi's birthday and one that still needs a bit of 'attention' before suitable for retail). But the kids were here at times and I did have lovely interuptions. And I also enjoyed the quiet time of only having a baby again for two days!!

Well, anyway, maybe I'll just leave you with these glamorously styled images of the bags. More details can be found here. The shop officially opens tomorrow, so I'll have to let you know how it goes.

So much other stuff has been happening lately, but I want to post about that separately. Ari turned 3 this week - I can't quite believe I'm the mum of a 3yr old kid. I'm still composing a birthday letter to him.

On a different note :: today, at the market, one of the stallholders asked how I was, what was exciting, that sort of thing. I said everyday was exciting, new, an adventure. He said that's why I had a sparkle in my eyes. I thought that was a lovely thing to say - it sparked me up a bit more.

pre-wash

We went to the fabric store today, to buy some particular colours and bits - mainly to match all this. Somehow match, will still being a little quirky, or something.... I don't have a massive fabric stash like a lot of other people. Sewing has been an on-off past-time for me over the years with not a lot of dedication. So I have never felt the justification for purchasing or hoarding fabric. My Mum used to have a massive basketful, but she gave it all away years ago to someone else - as none of her children were using it. I wish now that there was something left of it. So, I'll start my own stash for my children. Or use it all...

Actually, I was very impressed with the fabrics available. I haven't been to this particular shop for a while, they have so much stuff, but often a lot of junk. Today, there was a massive selection of quilting quality fabric, beautiful cottons, with special prints. Still, nothing quite like these ones I've fallen in love with. I've got some stuff for sale on ebay, with the hope of topping up my paypal account - so I can simply spend it!

Well, I'm not actually really sure I got any good base colours - as in bag interiors and such. But I did find some more fabric to love and anticipate cutting and sewing. And, for once in my life I pre-washed the fabric. The windy afternoon helped flicked and flapped the pieces on the line, drying them quickly.I have a fun, exciting little project just starting. Something that I've been dreaming about for a while, and talking about, and now little bits are starting to happen. Hopefully things fall into place. I'll keep you posted in a few weeks. Meanwhile, I have a lot of sewing catch-up planned for this weekend. Ari is going to Sidi's birthday party, with Sylve + Ash. I'll be sad to miss out, but having him go away for a few nights without Sam or me will be really good for him. And for us! Sam will be doing a bit of extra kid-watching this weekend, too, so I have some head space for thinking / sewing.

The kids were really good while out "fabric-ing". Mish was happy just to sit and taste what the store had to offer :: cloth really is quite tasty if you give it a go. And Ari found the bin where all the end-of-roll tubes were being thrown out. Thankfully he only needed to bring one home.

We spent some time this afternoon, Ari asking me to build the tube into something. I had to think what. He didn't know. So, not quite wide enough for a telescope. Pretty fun to whisper secrets in, and hear from the other end. Even more fun as a didgeridoo, where we can make noise and talk a little about what it is, and decorate it. We checked out u-tube for some playing and music with the didg. This weekend just past, we actually went to the art gallery and saw the dot paintings of the Indigenous Australians. So, Ari dotted and dotted his tube. Of course, he then wanted me to stick some other piece of drawing over that only half an hour later.

Oh, yes, I forgot to mention the constant whinging and moaning from them both this afternoon. I keep telling myself that this phase won't last for long. Where Ari hits, pushes, shoves Mish for no reason. Where she won't play on her own for more than a moment, and if she is - then Ari will choose that moment to snatch her toy or scream at her, which she hates, so she'll cry. And then...... Soon, I hope, wish, must, must, must .... soon there will be some sort of equilibrium and general ease of our days. But currently it tires me out so much. We don't do anything, and I'm exhausted. I have plans of achieving, doing, exploring, learning, teaching, playing, cleaning :: yet, often these past two weeks I've not done anything. We've just hung out, read stories, played in our backyard, whinged, cried (me included), hung about. Ah well, we still roll into bed together happily. We read our bedtime stories, we hug and laugh and, most importantly, we love.

a tale of a nap and a sleep-over

Ari had a sleep-over at Sylve + Ashey's last night, and we didn't pick him up until 5.30 this afternoon. Sam went to work today - one more of the perks of retail is working on Sundays! And Mishi had a decent sleep for an hour or so. What this means is :: I had some time all on my own at home. This is very rare for me, actually more than rare, practically extinct. I think that last time was possibly before Mish was born, or the few minutes when Sam walks to the corner store with both kids to buy milk. Believe me :: today was glorious.

I had some time to make a coffee, make bread, clean the kitchen (well, no - I didn't finish all the washing up, okay Sam I'm admitting it!). And the, I had time to photograph some of the beautiful fabrics that I recently purchased and are urging and calling me to make things with them. And of course the book that is giving me such creative inspiration. I promise I won't talk about this book all week, but it really has pushed me to do some really great sewing. A lot of the projects are simple and easy and achievable - that's what I really like about it. Things I can do, could have done without the book :: but things that I haven't done, the book has showed me the tips and simplified and prompted me and inspired me.

I finished two aprons today - well one last night and one today while Mish slept. I can't show either of them yet as they are gifts for dear sweet little girls. So, in a few weeks I'll be able to show you my handiwork. Let me just say, that I am so super-duper happy with the results. Proving to me again that I can actually sew. And that if I follow the rules from Amy - and know when to break them - then the results are better and better.

I also finally photographed the adorable clothing that a very dear and special friend posted to Mish a few weeks ago. She also sent some lovely wooden toys for Ari, but currently they are scattered throughout the house and car :: A great wooden egg shaker, a bright yellow spinning top, but unfortunately the toy drum was confiscated by customs on the trip over from the UK. The clothes are too big for Mish, which means I get to spend the next year(s) looking at them - that sop especially is so so so beautiful, almost exactly like one I want to try and make for myself.

So, this is my inspiration for today. A lot of sewing and girly fabrics. A lot of ideas and thoughts and wishes and hopes for near future plans.

An amazing more than two hour phone conversation with my big sister was a wonderful close to today. With everyone in bed in both our houses we talked about so much stuff, agreeing and wishing we lived closer so we could have conversed across a table, cups of tea in hands.

And finally, the fingernail moon we watched in the early evening sky. The fading and darkening to deep dark blue with the glowing slither of light.

Of course, a day at home all alone with my little girl was the most inspirational of all. She played happily on her own, ate lunch with me - well, spread rice all over the floor - giggled and chatted and crawled and pulled herself trying to walk. Each day I see a little more of the woman she may become, each day I feel excited about the relationship we have now and in our future. I had such a strong closeness with my Mum, and still have a deep respect and love for her, that I know good things are in store for us. Mish and me.

inspirational challenge

I've decided that I'm going to set myself a little sort of blogging challenge. What I've been thinking is that I'm going to post everyday about things that inspired me that day. Photos mainly, but also words. As I don't always carry the camera, or can't always take a picture when I see it, and then it's happened. It's sometimes a little bit hard with an eight-month old hanging off my hip - often wanting to grapple with the camera. So, regardless of any "dramas" or difficulties or hassles I encounter during my day, I'm still wanting to enjoy and take notice of and enjoy those little aspects of the day. The parts sometimes I ignore, or don't have the thought process to take time to soak up.

Today it was the wind that swept me up. We've been having such lovely breezes over the last few days, zooming through the open windows, swishing papers and such about. These sort of breezes really wake me up, energise me. Of course, if it becomes too windy then I just feel ruffled.

I took a few photos this morning of my latest projects. I've been on a bit of a sewing rush lately. Very fun, productive, creative. I've been sneaking off to the sewing table - everyone finds me of course, much like Amanda! Some bags from Amy's book, and ideas for finishing a skirt I had - cut out and sitting in one of my sewing baskets.

My finished skirt - jumping fish fabric from my Aunt A wrap-around. I love it. And, when you see a photo of me like this, remember that I'm a "Milking Mama"!

And the wind whipping through Mishy's hair. The way that the breeze made her jump and squeal with delight, and the smiles across her chubby little face. Oh, those teeth. Only two weeks ago she had a toothless grin, now almost four sharp pointy nippers. (And nippers, yes - she's learning how to use them, on me!).

I finally made a bag for myself. The way that I wanted it - pink flowers and birds. Now, back to sewing presents for other people.

Hmmmm, so.... If anyone is interested in joining me in this little challenge for the next week - of posting images or words of the things most inspirational from that day - let me know, as I'd love to see your posts and I'll link you here.

the act of letting go

I am not a perfectionist, by far - but somewhere inside of my mind, my ego, some part of my being, I have aims and aspirations for perfectionism. For some strange reason while I myself am far from perfect, I want and expect it from other people. And I feel myself edging in to tell them what they should be doing better, or telling myself that if only they did this or that, then whatever would be better. I am such an excellent critic - I think possibly that was my calling and I didn't listen. Yet, in myself I still want perfectionism in my daily life, in the things I produce and do.

On a morning walk while visiting my sister.

Though lately, these last weeks especially, I have been telling myself to let go more, for things to be able to evolve and not have to be forced in some way or other - or for my mind to have to re-record the story differently. I have allowed my friends to read stories to my children the way they read, not the way that I usually do - that particular line or word or paragraph doesn't have to be enunciated in the way that I do it, the emphasis can be different.

I am teaching myself more and more to let Ari do things his own way. Not to have to jump in and and tell him which picture to glue where, or that his painting should be finished now, before all the colours make too much of a grey muck all over the lovely lines.

And, mainly, importantly I am trying slowly to let myself enjoy the things I do, in a different way. What I mean by this, is that I am doing more and allowing things to be not quite right. Making bread is a hit-and-miss, sometimes it is delicious, sometimes it is not so good. Though still, I am encouraging myself to continue and enjoy (or accept) the not so tasty loaves.

Sewing too - well.... I am definitely not two straight lines, more like "a few wonky lines". I am learning, learning that I will only get better if I keep with it, have more energy and dedication (urgh.. don't I talk about that a bit too much!), and less criticism of the end product. Well, also a few tips from my lovely, exciting first foray into Amazon buying, and some great fabrics have helped a little (which I haven't photographed, but want to before I use it all up). The want to make the most of these has been uppermost in producing better quality.

Bag from my new favourite book. I added some extra pockets inside, so he can carry around his matchbox cars and other bits of stuff.

In writing too. I feel I haven't written here for so long because - well, I'm not actually sure I have a lot to say that is of much interest to anyone, or that it's well enough written for anyone to bother reading. I mean, there are so many wonderful blogs out there - in fact so many, that I'm not going to even link to any, as we all have our favourites. Such creative, intelligent, thought-provoking, warm-hearted (mainly) women. I don't really quite fit into the ideals of my expectations. Yet, still, I want to continue this blog thing. I always liked journalling at school - enjoyed the process of it, as well as the creativity. About this blog as well - it is proving to not be the best place for someone who like words to line up, and paragraphs to be square with the correct spaces, and images to sit just right. But, I'm being forced to let all that just be, as computer programing is not a fun topic for me.

Another area where I know practice will only make it better is photography. Though, actually, thinking about it - I have been doing this for quite a long time (since I was a kid, I think), and still I haven't really got a real style or technique. Some of my photos I think are really good, great, excellent, and some, well, are pretty mediocre. Yet, it is something that I enjoy doing. And, that's what this is all about - the enjoyment at one level, not just the end level.

So, I'm going to try to let things be a bit more. Not feel that I have to proof everything and think it too much. Some things can be wrong, or not quite acceptable. And, really, I say it and think it - that it is from "mistakes" that we learn and grow and change. So - mistakes here we come!

You'd actually have thought I'd really have learnt all this before, and I have, but it's just taking me a while to really put it into practice in my daily life. It's like not using the good linen, or wearing white because I don't want to get dirty. Or something.

Hmmmm, as Ari says (copying Sam) "Whateva".