fractured light

Not too many words tonight. I'm enjoying the quiet (inside my brain - kids asleep) + the stillness of the night + the possibilities of the furniture rearranging I've been doing during baby lulls today* + what that rearranging means*. Just lots of photos.

:: Springs New Blossoms ::

:: My favourite Derwent Colour Pencils ::

:: Glorious organic purple cabbage, from the market ::

:: Ari's chalk + potato soup ::

:: Lavender flowers from our garden +

old man's beard moss Ari brought home for me ::

:: Stonefruit blossom Sylve picked for me yesterday.

I'm loving it in this simple vase ::

*Hopefully more on this, with inspired photos tomorrow...

a few sweet treats

This week we had icecream with sprinkles. Ari poured the sprinkles on - so most of them went on the bench + floor, and now we have no "prink-ls" left. What a pity! He does so love those tiny dots of coloured sugar, and always manages to get them all over himself.

:: This is Ari's little table. We let the kids paint it however they liked. Lots of fun ::

Instead of going out, we had a cafe at home. I really like doing this. Sometimes we set up the table with a little cloth and I serve the boys like a real waitress. They have money to pay, but have to eat whatever is the "special of the day". Of course, our cafes are always tasty and fun. And the waitress is super nice and often joins in on the meal. This is pop corn and chocolate +cherry milkshake, with yogurt instead of icecream. It would have been fun to make the popcorn like this, but we didn't have the ingredients, patience or time to wait for it to be ready. The milkshake was quite tasty, but I think a bit too strong for Ari. All we did was put some milk in the blender with liquid drinking chocolate (well cocoa that was wet and pasty), some yogurt, and some cherry jam. Whizzed up until all "froffy". Then I served it in my prettiest tea glasses out in the garden.

Also, check this fun YouTube out. Ari had to watch it about five times in a row. Hopefully it makes sense to you. It's very Kiwi!

bindi-eye + tie-dye

:: No, not bindii, but bindi ::

We got these quite a while ago, at the elephant installation at the APT5, and Ari just pulled them out today. He looks in the mirror and talks to himself about exactly where to put the bindis. I really like the different placements he does, choosing the colours with particular care. Sometimes - if she's nearby - he puts them on Mishi as well. Which is special for me to see, as sometimes I think he isn't very interested in her. Well, she sometimes is an inconvenience to his life. And that makes sense to me :: he was used to having me all to himself, now he has to share, and she normally gets preference (based on basic NOW needs). He wears these little fabric bindis right up until bedtime.

:: Finally, some tie-dying today ::

We cut the calico up into smallish pieces, I'm not entirely sure what I'll end up sewing with all the bits, but I just wanted more scraps for Ari to play with.

:: Some we put rubber bands around ::
:: a few we drew on with candle wax ::
:: I tied some coriander seeds up in one ::

with the idea of the Japanese art of kanoko shibori dying. I have a vague thought that there is a dying process using rice tied up, rather than the sewing, puckering, intensive work it looks goes into any piece of shibori fabric. Anyway, regardless of my very humble and quick efforts I quite like the results. The seeds made little round patterns throughout the other lines. So next time I'll try to make it stronger and use more seeds, tie it tighter. Not have a time frame dictacted by two little kids!? Thanks Sam for being there and helping as well - and enjoying!

:: My hands are red tinged, despite the gloves ::

corners of my home :: collections

We've been collecting lots of little bits and pieces while on our (almost) daily walks around the neighbourhood. And they're making lovely collections and piles around the house - of course collecting dust!

Ari is at that age where he picks flowers and bit of grass for me. So lovely. I've never forced it on him, so I'm really glad that it's just something he wants to do, of his own thinking. When he went out for the day with Sam + Ben (Sam's brother) on Monday, he came home with some lovely grass flowers for me, as well as some bits of stick covered in moss. The little boy knows what I like.

Last week, as he was saying goodbye to his Grandma, walking her down the steps - he ran over to our lavender bush and picked some flowers to give her. Sometimes he's in the backyard with his dad, just doing stuff and comes running inside with a teeny tiny piece of grass, wanting to put it into a vase.

So, now - we have quite a collection of drying grasses, flowers, leaves. It always takes me ages to throw dead :: dried flowers out. I love the shapes they turn into, the little shriveled up leaves + petals. The different colours they turn into. Of course, some dry better than others - so I keep them for longer. I'm trying to get better at getting rid of them when they're covered too much by dust + spider webs.

I do think I get this from my Mother. Possibly from Dad also. But I remember all the little bits of displays my Mum would have around her house - dried leaves, seedpods, twigs, feathers, entwined with ceramics, bonsai trees, fabric. Thinking about it, my Dad used to have a collection (in his shed) of dried out lizards he'd found around the place + mouse skeletons.

I also have little bowls and containers filled with skeletons, butterfly wings, dragonflies, feathers, bits of bugs, shriveled flower petals. They are just part of our everyday, sitting on windowsills, on bookshelves.

grown up

We've got lots of things planned at the moment. That's what I'm really loving about Ari being a 'big boy'. We can have conversations about the things we want to do, plan fun things, talk together. I love being with him and just hanging out with a big person who has so much to contribute. He's such a grown up little person, as a parent you don't notice it until suddenly its there. Your baby is not a baby, but a kid! On Monday he went out all day with Sam + Ben (Sam's brother) for a long drive down to pick up some beautiful glass plates from this very talented woman. I love that its so easy to be able to wave him goodbye to spend the day not being my baby. I hate the way its so easy to wave him goodbye - it seems like the most tortous thing in the world to wave goodbye to my baby (for a day's outing). Do all you mums agree. I love him growing more self sufficient, easier to be with, but its so sad that he can cope without me.

This was published 7th January, 2008. Each day Ari continues to amaze and inspire me. I feel so overwhelmingly lucky to experience life (the big and the little) through him.

pop pop pop

Poor little Mishi has chicken pox! She's been quite good about it - not too much complaining. Though we did have a *very* sleepless night last night. (Surprisingly I feel much better today on less sleep, than I felt yesterday on slightly more sleep). Amazingly, Mish didn't get any pox on her face - so we haven't had to worry about scratching and scarring. I am hoping that the fact she's had it mildly doesn't mean she can get it again. So far Ari still hasn't caught it - that means he's escaped it three times :: 1 - the friend who Ash caught it from. 2 - from Ash, even though they were spending lots of time together during Ash's contagious period. 3 - from Mish ::

So, after little-to-no sleep last night, I woke up at 6.15am feeling quite energised! And, therefore, we had a lovely day today just hanging around. We discovered a new cafe while out for our walk. Okay, not quite "discovered" - I knew it was there, we'd just never made it in to have a look. Was really quite lovely - the babycino was free -and it had a marshmallow (very important for Ari), yummy little biscuits for only $1, great tables, comfy chairs, friendly staff.... what more can we ask for out of a cafe within easy walking distance from home?! They had cute little cactus in pots as their table decorations - the man at the table near us must have thought me a bit weird photographing our coffee cups.

I love our little walks. Often we end up needing to go somewhere, but we take our time looking and exploring. We do live in a major city, in a suburb walking distance from the CBD - but we still have lots to explore and look at. It is totally different from where I grew up, in the country. But, it's not too bad. There are still flowers to pick, seedpods to collect, birds to listen to, bushes to hide in, parks to run in. So, each time we go out for our walks - we take our time meandering the streets.

Today we planted some seeds. Alright, not actually planted - but put in some torn up cotton wool, in a plastic container on the windowsill. I want Ari to be able to spray them everyday with his little water sprayer, and watch the seeds grow. I'm sure it will be a bit boring for a 2 1/2yr old, but little alfalfa seeds don't take too long to grow. I'm going to try and show you every day what they look like. Are you excited.....? (please pretend to be - just humour me).

So, that's just a little bit of catching up for the moment. My brain has started shutting down. I've been tired, sickish, rundown, low on energy - is this what its meant to feel like :: this having kids thing?

slowing happily

I've had such simple and full :: busy last few days, that I've been early to bed, with little-to-no "impunta"* time. Mishi's daytime naps mean that Ari + I spend time chatting and playing and cleaning together. I actually really look forward to her having long naps some days so we can have time together just being. More and more, Ari seems so grown up, having conversations and observations beyond his 2 1/2 years:: it's so wonderful, and how I hope my relationships with all (I aim :: wish for more than two) my babes continues until forever.Yet, also, I love the moments when Ari sleeps or is with his Dad. And Mish + I have time to sing to each other. We goo and coo together, giggling and smiling. I remember reading somewhere (possibly here) that studies have shown mothers and young babies talk in the same pitch :: frequency to each other.

These last few weeks of being at home and only going out for little walks around the neighbourhood, have felt so nurturing. I'm learning more every day to enjoy those moments when life just happens. To totally involve myself in the experiences of being with my little ones who I adore so much.

This may sound simple for some (most) mothers - and, yes, I always thought it would be for me. With Ari it was. I felt so in 'control' and knowing what I was feeling, doing, being. I felt like we were a wonderful partnership and I didn't need to think about what to do, how to do it. We just happened, and happened good. He was an easy baby, I was a good mum.

Still - I know that I am a "good mum". And both my babes are actually very "easy" little ones. (It is funny when people say how good a baby is, as if the alternative is "bad"). Well, I feel that this time around it took me longer to remember the things I felt so innate, intuitive with Ari. I felt tired, slow, not sure of so many things with Mishi.

I guess I'm slowly, quietly thinking about the fact that I "think" I had postnatal depression with Mischa. I know I only felt it in a minor way - yet, still I know that it affected my early months with being at home with a new baby and young child.

What I'm saying now - is that I feel quite totally over this. And now, I am enjoying the *honeymoon* period of having a glorious beautiful baby girl. I am glowing, singing, laughing, playing, dancing with my sweet, dear treasures.

On other notes - I am adding to, not crossing off items on my list. I think, possibly this isn't really such a terrible thing, as I have been spending precious enjoyment with my babes, instead of "doing stuff". Kids don't care about stuff, do they. Ari just wants me to play with him, and Mishi just wants me to look at her. They both want me to play peek-a-boo, to tickle, to hide under the doona with them, to dance around the lounge room, to play drums in the backyard, squirt water, paint, sing, laugh, look at flowers, and give + receive wonderful squeezey bear::bunny::elephant hugs.

~List~

added to list-

:: make curtains for lounge room doorways

completed from list-

::door snake completed - YAH

::Ashey's frog sewn + delivered (a lovely walk to visit Sylve+Ash)

::I have been doing more drawing with Ari lately. Liberated drawing, not thinking about the results - just enjoying the moment of running a pencil across the paper.

*"impunta" is Ari's word for computer. Mine + Sylve's is "puty". Ashey's is "comp-prunter".

PS - these photos are film, have only just been developed and are quite old. Both babes are now much bigger than this!

pink cake picnic

We met some friends at the park on Sunday for a relaxing picnic. Simple food :: great conversation :: pushing kids on swings :: laughing :: photos (film - so you'll have to wait) :: and :: crazy pink cake.

I made a fairly easy Almond, Chocolate + Peach cake and then had an inexplicable desire to cover it in pink icing. I actually think it looked really beautiful, special, fun + definately something different. It did get a few comments and looks and attention - so whats wrong with that. While we were mixing the icing, it tasted too much like sugar, so I added some orange-flower water which didn't match the cake perfectly, but did have its own unique taste. Who says you always have to match your handbag with your shoes. (Anyone who goes out with me knows that never happens anyway).

So, heres the recipe for the cake - which was really delicious. I think I'll make it again (possibly without the icing!).

Almond, Chocolate + Peach Cake w' Pink Icing

(As with all my recipes, quantities + baking times are not exact. I estimate all my baking from memory of my best results of a basic cake. It also makes it easier for small children to be involved without too much stress!).

I used tinned peaches for this cake, as its Winter here, but fresh peaches would be lovely. Or any other fruit. Also, try different nuts - walnuts, hazelnuts, pecans.

• 100g butter
• 3/4 cup sugar (I always use dark brown)
• 3 organic, free-range eggs - separated
• 1/2 cup cocoa
• 2 cups peaches, diced
• 1 cup almonds, chopped then toasted
• 1 1/2 cups S.R flour
• 2 tablespoons vanilla essence

Beat butter + sugar until rich and thick. Then add egg yolks, and beat well. Add cocoa, vanilla essence and any dry spices you'd like to include. After that's all mixed in, add peaches, almonds then flour and mix by hand until all combined. The mixture will be quite stiff at this point. Beat the egg whites until almost firm peaks formed - then combine gently with cake. Fold until gently until you can't see any white. Pour into lined cake tin and bake at 180degrees Celcuis for 40 minutes, then 220degrees Celcuis for 10 minutes. Or, until cake is just cooked, with a crack firm surface.

Pink Orange-Essence Icing or Barbie Flower Icing

• 1 organic, free range egg white
• 3/4 cup icing sugar
• few drops pink colouring
• 2 tablespoons orange-flower water (rose water would be lovely too)

Beat egg white until soft, then add icing sugar. Continue beating for about 5 minutes, adding colouring + flower water mid-way, until really think and luscious. Spread onto your cooled cake. This icing dries hard and crisp, so if you want to put anything on top (flowers, decorations, etc), do so now before the icing sets. I laid 3 freshly picked lavendar flowers across mine, to break up the pink. (Will try to have film developed late this week, so check out flickr).

learning to juggle

It's quite a skill :: an art, this juggling thing. I'm slowly, slowly getting better at it. Realising that it takes dedicated practice, as well as skill, humour, motivation + a lot of hard work makes it easier to appreciate the balls synchronising. Rising and falling gracefully. It doesn't happen like that as often as I'd like, but when it does - well, it feels good.

Of course, I'm not running away to join the circus :: we are the circus. My babes are the clowns, the lions, the trapeze rope for me to walk. Mostly they are the coloured balls for me to learn to juggle.

My sister (who has one five year old) asked me the other day how I do it with two kids. She was holding Mish on her hip, trying to put Ari's shoes on, and we were trying to get out the door. Well, sometimes I don't do it very well, but it just keeps happening, so the juggling gets a little smoother each day. Some days all the balls fall and roll under the seats :: I have to crawl around picking up all the pieces.

The days when I just be with the babes, in the moment with them, instead of having all these expectations or thoughts about what I want to get done that day. Well, the simpler days are just that - simpler. We have more fun, less hassles, less whinging :: yelling :: grumpiness. Those are the days when the balls are bright rainbows swinging arcs through the air. Those are the days I love. And, juggling is about having fun - you just do the ::hard:: practice to get to the fun part. Same, really as having my babes. I just want to be with them, and have the fun - and let the pther parts just be happening in the background. Each day, I suppose I get a little closer to this aim of learning to just be with them.

The most fun and giggles we've had in the past weeks has been doing the little things that just happen. Making the beds, we play Lanternfish in caves. Hiding under the doona and whispering, with two little ones who giggle and laugh at the silliness of it. Peek-a-boo is a new game for Mishi and still a favourite for Ari - watching them both interact in this simplest of games is such a pleasure.

Spray bottles (only about $1.49 from the supermarket) filled with water and food dye make great painting. We pegged paper onto the little line, and have spent the last few days making masterpieces and lots of water fireworks spraying into the air.

And setting up our own little band in the backyard, with plastic spoons, cardboard tubes.

This post was finally published 7th January, 2008. Of course I still can't juggle. In fact, I think each day I add more balls or flying knives, and include jumps and other tricks into the performance as well. I'm sure it's me, not the little ones who complicate it all so much!

listing...

My friend asked me the other night if I write lists of things I want to achieve (finish!). I used to when I worked as a manager in a retail store, before I had my babes. But, I don't actually do it when at home - what am I going to write ::wash up :: wash nappies :: put clothes away :: hug, play, tickle babes :: try to appease babes......
Well, no. Then, I'd generally not get anything crossed off!
But lists about thing I want to make, do, achieve. Is that too much tempting the depression of unfinished :: never started :: wish I was more dedicated? Or, could it perhaps be the start of finishing, learning how to do more (worthwhile) things with my time, starting all these little ideas that keep plaguing me :: rattle around in my tired, fuzzy mind.
So - here goes. I'm going to put a few out there and hopefully not be judged too harshly when I don't achieve them (all). And perhaps even nudged encouragingly along to finish. These are in no particular order (only the order that aforementioned brain thing spurts out).

:: Make some placemats + coasters. Inspirations here, here, here, + more others.

:: Finish Ashey's doona cover. Yes - I actually only have to hand stitch about five press studs along the bottom. I'm going to finish it tomorrow. (Are you reading this Sylve?)

::Make some more jarmie pants for Ari + for Mishi + possibly even for me.

::Sew curtains for our lounge room. We only have some little tied up bits of flowy fabric in our bedroom, and no curtains anywhere else in the house. (To my defence, I grew up in the bush with no neighbours and beautiful outside that we didn't need to cover up).

::Fix up the back room. A play::craft::hang-out room for us during the day would be lovely.

::Get wedding album together. It's coming up three year anniversary this August. (But a total of nine+ years being together).

::Get framed photos + Ari's artworks onto walls. (Sam... are you taking note?)

::Put all other photos into albums - general family, my overseas trip from years ago.

::Do more drawing, painting, journaling.

::Make an apron for myself. I've had an image in my head for a while now and would love to wear it while cooking.

::Also, make aprons for the kids for - cooking + painting smocks.

::Finish the door snake. It only needs to be stitched closed - currently being pegged in place (which Sam says he quite likes!).

So - I'm going to let you know how I go. Normally, I actually do better when "showing off" for someone. Don't take notice of my self sufficiency and being my own best friend!

Anyone else out there have some extra ideas of things::stuff I could add to my list. Or, lists of your own. I would love that little nudge when you see me dropping::drooping.